Its the night of the year when self-congratulatory back slaps are worth less than an Amy Winehouse signed picture, but yet the Brit Awards continue to steamroller over anything else for sheer glamour and glitz.
All the same questions have been regurgitated by the red-tops, yet we still don't know for sure if Miss Winehouse will appear, who's duetting with Rihanna, or whether the barman will actually stand up to these good-for-nothing divas, and say “you're barred!”
So follow along (from about 7:45pm) and we'll keep you updated with the latest happenings, who'll have the worst hangover tomorrow - oh and who won what.
21:59 - Just on time. Macca finishes up with the £500,000 pyrotechnics at full flow. Hope his punctuality impresses the judge on Monday. That's it from us, from a thoroughly predictable Brit Awards ceremony at London's Earls Court. Why do i feel like I'll be writing that again next year?
21:55 - Macca's medley is well under way. Dance Tonight leads seamlessly into Live and Let Die. Next up is the classic 'Hey Jude'. Finally, the crowd seems warmed up.... Two minutes left for the nah- nah- nah's. Better wind this up Macca. Trevor's waiting for News At Ten!
21:50 - “Are you rocking” says Sir Paul, well besides the Arctic Monkeys Brit School bashing and Vic Reeves being a “pisshead”, I wish I'd have taken Strange Glue up on the self-induced coma offer for these two hours.
21:46 - Kylie comes onstage to introduce Sir Paul, ironically stating that “when McCartney came along, he started writing his own songs, changing the face of music forever.” Errr, did you not see who picked up the awards tonight honey? (Arctic Monkeys excepted.)
21:44 - Sir Paul McCartney is in the building! Sharon Osborne says they don't get bigger than this. Ozzy introduces him as “Mister Sir Paul McCartney”, LOLZ, but he's not ready yet! Crikey! Jack steps in and saves the day. Oh there's actually an award for the “Special Contribution” to music.
21:37 - Sharon Osborne, has to step in for the inebriated Reeves - now there's something i never imagined writing. Arctic Monkey's pick up their second award of the night. Mocking the Brit School crowd in the process. Good stuff, Sharon's not impressed though, asking: “What have they come as?” ITV, running short of time appears to cut into their speech. Harsh.
21:36 - Vic Reeves is on, he's easily the funniest guy to take the stage, but he's trolleyed. No-one's laughing, except me in the media room. I get several puzzled looks. Sharon Osbourne calls Vic Reeves a 'Pisshead'. It's finally warming up!
21:34 - Naah, she's finished, doomed I tell you. Take That notch up their second award of the night. Let's hope their speech is a bit more coherent than last time. Howard's shouting out random numbers, it's not starting well. Jason saves the day - rattling off the usual manager thank you's.
21:33 - Best British Single will determine the career of Leona Lewis, she needs the win....
21:28 - The Brits are milking Amy Winehouse for all she's worth. She's back onstage after a costume change singing a down-tempo ballad. There go the pens and flash-bulbs again. She can't let that performance go without mentioning her husband. “Make some noise for my Blake” she says. Reminds me of Rose West.
21:27 - The Monkeys take it, spraying champagne over all and sundry.
21:24 - Best British Group, and the Arctic Monkeys go up against Girls Aloud......
21:19 - To be fair she does very well after a nervous start. Which is better than most expected. Several people in front of me are scribbling notes furiously into the break. This is what a tabloid feeding frenzy feels like. It's not pretty.
21:18 - Here she is! She doesn't fall over, which is a good first step.
21:17 - Mark Ronson's onstage, I'm sure you could replace him with a session guitarist, save everybody a stack of money. All the critics have their pens at the ready. Which must mean Amy Winehouse is about due on stage.
21:14 - This is becoming more predictable than the Eurovision song contest. Foo Fighters take two.... Says Dave Grohl: “Wish we could be there, but we just sold out Madison Square Garden.” Classic.
21:13 - Ok, its pretty much the same artists over again with the Best International Album. So going on current form its got to be the Foo Fighters again?
21:10 - Nope, it's gone to Brit Schooler Kate Nash, who shouldn't really chew gum and talk at the same time.
21:07 - This is proving to be the most disappointing Brits ever. Foo Fighters win the gong. Still we've got PJ Harvey and Bat For Lashes in with a slim chance for the next award, Best British Female.
21:06 - Surely now we'll get a good band taking home a Brit. Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire and the White Stripes are all up for Best International Group.
21:02 - Leona Lewis is onstage singing her mega-hit, 'Bleeding Love', in a rather fetching purple gown. She's up for the “Can Squeal Like Mariah Carey” award a bit later.
20:59 - Aaah, i forgot Kylie was nominated too. She performed here too, and completely coincidently picks up the award.
20:59 - Crikey, we're through an hour already. This is so much fun. Here comes the beacon of music that is errr, Doctor Who to present Best International Female. I'm guessing as Rihanna performed here, she'll sweep it.
20:51 - Fearne's back on the monitor and she's interviewing Mark Ronson and Beth Ditto. I reckon that's the lowest average IQ in a trio since McFly. (Yes, McFly are a foursome, but we don't count the drummer since he is a vegetable.)
20:45 - The Kaiser Chiefs, aka the indie version of Ricky Martin (one and a half hits) take to the stage to perform 'Ruby', a song that must be two years old now?
20:44 - Sure enough.... my £1000 is safe. Mark Ronson wins the Best British Male Award. He slurs through his speech, but at least he tell the truth. It's kinda ironic he wins Best SOLO award when he's hardly made a track by himself.
20:43 - It's best British Male now, they're coming thick and fast now. The awards, not artists. £1000 this goes to Mark Ronson....
20:40 - Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child is onstage to present Best International Male Solo Artist, does anyone else think she was the better looking than Beyonce? Predictably, it goes to Kanye West, who is the first winner not to be at the ceremony. He apologises for not being here, but no apology for saying George Bush hates black people.
20:34 - Ok time for a break, I'm getting in on the champagne action.
20:31 - Ok, i lost it there for a second, but hang on, Kylie's on-stage now, wearing a rather fetching green dress. With her is a troupe of what can only be referred to as rainbow robot-men. I wonder if the Klaxons are under those helmets....
20:29 - F*&%ing MIKA?!?!
20:28 - Best British Breakthrough Act is up, we're looking for a bit of credibility here. It should be Klaxons or Bat For Lashes.
20:23 - Ok, if Take That's Best Live Band award was farcical, then what about Adele receiving a Brit Award? Huh? She's barely released an album. Will Young is reading the award info off the autocue. He's drearier than Jeremy Paxman.
20:19 - What I think was Fearne Cotton just came on with the nominees for Best Single, the nominees sounded more like an award for whom I would most like to execute, rather than best British Single.
20:15 - Using the same strobing lights as Coldplay when they performed 'Clocks' here a few years ago, it looks like Klaxons have set up a force-field to protect them being pelted with the free champagne bottles.
20:14 - This should be interesting, Klaxons team up with Rihanna. Ah eh ah eh ah, schwing, Rihanna is hott. Surely she must be sick of singing Ah eh ah eh ah eh over and over again.
20:10 - First award of the night is the Best Live Act. It rather farcically goes to Take That. But let's face it, they couldn't give it to Muse again. Did Mark Owen just go in for a snog with Kelly Osbourne? For some reason he's itching....
20:06 - Well aren't we in for a treat. We've not just got Ozzy and Sharon, we get Kelly and a very dishevelled Jack too. And Ozzy isn't slurring his words at all.
20:03 - Ok I take it back, Beth Ditto just came on stage, but at least she's wearing slightly more clothes than that NME cover.
20:01 - Mika's on stage with a large spider protruding from the stage. I can't tell what's more tacky - his girlie voice or animation that would look bad on MSN Messenger.
20:00 - On time, here we go...
19:55 - Mika and Beth Ditto have taken their places, they're opening the bash tonight. No sign of the Osbournes. Let's hope they're here....
19:35 - Arctic Monkey's have lifted their self-imposed boycott of the Brits in style. They look like they've just come back from off t'farm. Easily, the best dressed guys here.
THE WINNERS:
Best British Live Act - Take That Critics Choice - Adele Best British Breakthrough Act - Mika Best International Male Solo Artist - Kanye West Best British Male - Mark Ronson Best International Female - Kylie Minogue Best International Group - Foo Fighters Best International Album - Foo Fighters Best British Female Solo Artist - Kate Nash Best British Group - Arctic Monkeys Best British Single - Take That
Best British Album - Arctic Monkeys: 'Favourite Worst Nightmare'
Whoever said that about McFly clearly needs their head sorting out "I reckon that’s the lowest average IQ in a trio since McFly. (Yes, McFly are a foursome, but we don’t count the drummer since he is a vegetable. .." Come on, get a grip and respect truely great music when you hear it.
Oh oh oh. Taking the p.iss out of Macca? NOT COOL. The man's in his late 60's and performs better than a gazillion 'musicians' half his age.
Harry Judd- the communicator of the bunch, the most personable one, a vegetable? You're also no doubt unaware of the rest of the group's qualifications, google, I think you'll be surprised.
Other than the above, good review, amusing.
Gutted at Springsteen, Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire and Feist walking away empty handed. Grohl's great but where's the suspense? Take That and Mika however; WTF :X
I have a sense of humour but Harry 'Fly will run the Flora Marathon this april on behalf of The Brain Injury Rehabilitation Trust and Teenage Cancer Trust. How can you call the man a vegetable? It was a lame attempt to sound funny.
This blog sucks. You are pretentious and have a DRYYYY sense of humour.
omg wots up with some of yous? this is funny!
"Taking the p.iss out of Macca? NOT COOL"
It could of been worse, at least the 'Paul McCartney displayed mastery at eliciting sounds out the wooden legged instrument... and he wasn't too bad on the piano either' joke wasn't used.
Mills and Boon quite literally...............you boys are harsh
ROTFBMALFO
(Rolling on the floor because my artificial limbs fell off)
That one's for you Macca
McFly is just an amazing band! All of them make such a diference in people's lives! Mainly Harry Judd, the drummer, that take his time to help children in need.
Just take a look and think again...
www.teenagecancertrust.org/sponsor/harryrunsthemarathon
You see "a vegetable" but the world see a great man.
Vegetables are good for you.
WTF ???
who wrote this??
mika is the best
this site sucks!!
logia penniman rocks !
you're pathetic!! is that your iea of humour?making money by criticizing everything and everybody?based on what?who are you to judge anything? if those artists weren't really talented they woudn't be where they are, and wouldn't have thousands of fans all over the world. And if you feel like you'll be writing the same thing next year, don't waste our time, don't do it. And get a real job!
ummm, you really are dumb. the drummer from McFly went to prepatory school, he ain't dumb. in fact he is probably the smartest of the four. you really need to get your facts straight you idiot!
Didn't Fearne Cotton graduate from Oxford/Cambridge..?
PS. Ronson, Winehouse and B. Ditto are amazing.
I don't agree with most of this but I'll admit it made me laugh quite a bit :)
And 'Aiden W.'- that Macca joke was funny. lol.
Ha Ha... Ha.. Ha HaHAHAHAHAHAH.. Mwahhahah... There are some retards out there.
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DeeDubya
commented 3 months ago
how odd,.
I was there doing the same thing as you, a live blog of the Brits. I came to very much the same conclusions, though probably not quite so eloquently.
It was fun though, like working on a tv programme like I used to in the past. Maybe I'll leave it to you though, next year. But then Im sure I enjoyed the programme more than I would have just watching!