U.K Government Propose New Anti-Piracy Scheme

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Aidan Williamson

01st April 2008
At 08:32 GMT

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A government think-tank working in union with a group of Cambridge scientists have come up with a novel way to tackle the increasing problem of illegal downloading. They're currently testing the possibility of making the brain counteract such urges through mental conditioning.

The think-tank, backed by the BPI and RIAA, in association with the Cambridge MRC Cognition and Brain Sciences Unit, began work on a tiny microchip (less than the size of a 5p coin - pictured below) which will be fused with the cerebral cortex.

When it detects wave-patterns which match-up to the ones recorded when people bypass their conscience, and attempt to download music to which they are not legally allowed access to, the chip will emit a tiny, yet powerful electrical discharge into the nervous system, causing brief sharp pain.

Heading up the research is Prof. Elisabeth von dem Hagen, she states that, "Too much of the onus remains on reacting to crime rather than preventing it. With the generous backing of the BPI, we've been able to make great strides in preventing damage to thousands of livelihoods within the music industry. We remain hopeful that our initial trials will be a great success and anticipate that the technology could be applied towards many other fields. In theory, the concept could be utilised to prevent repeat offenders from resorting to violence, thus preventing many cases of grievous bodily harm, and even murder."

Dr. Martin Weale, CBE, institute director of the policy making body, intimates that the technology could be rolled out as soon as 2012, but he firmly states that "...the [technology] will only be implanted within those convicted of [piracy-related] infringements of the law."

 The chip will be implanted into the cranium via a short operation. 

UPDATE:We guess this is the part where we say 'April Fools'. We'd like to sincerely ask that the RIAA, BPI, Cambridge MRC Cognition and Brain Sciences Unit, Elisabeth von dem Hagen & Dr. Martin Weale, CBE kindly refrain from suing us for said hijinx. Sure, it doesn't beat "We are talking jape of the decade, we are talking April, May, June, July and August fools, yes, that's right, I am Queeg"; but it's a start.

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